I don’t care who you are, how old you are, or who the situation involves, there is a peaceful feeling in the wake of bad situations when you kept your dignity intact.
I’m not prone to outbursts. I don’t yell and scream. I don’t like to cry in public unless it’s from laughing too hard. I’m not the world’s most confident woman, but I know I don’t ask for more than I deserve, so when I am in a situation which goes against this, I try to maintain enough logic to stop trying and simply walk away.
I suppose you have gathered, by this point, I recently found myself in one of these situations. In fact, I was in what was one of the oddest and somewhat humiliating situations possible. A man I have been involved with for a few months was in town. We had quite a lovely evening Friday night. Then came Saturday, we will call it, “The Fall. ”
During The Fall, he managed to insult and hurt me more in a twenty minute conversation than I even knew was possible. Ending it with the grand finale of telling me he had no idea why he had ever come down for the visit.
Just to make it clear, the man who told me he was coming to see me, had me meet him and his friends Friday night for drinks where we had a nice time, asked me to stay at the hotel with him where we had a great time, walked me out the next morning kissing me goodbye and telling me he would see me when I got off from work that evening, was now telling me he had no reason to be here.
There comes a time in every person’s life where you have to make this choice. The choice to let yourself fall apart, or pay for your drink, get your purse and walk away. For some, this is a metaphorical choice, for me it was a literal one. While Lauren is a very efficient server, that felt like the longest wait ever, sitting beside him, awaiting the check and the end. Refusing to cry in front of him or anyone else in that place.
I did it, and don’t get me wrong, it took everything I had in me. In fact, he tried to talk to me some more and I simply leaned into his ear and told him, “no, I can’t and I won’t.”
I made it approximately ten steps out of the bar before the tears began to roll. That doesn’t matter, what matters is I made it. What matters is I walked, because I, like every other person in this world, deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I should never settle for someone who would sit beside me after a month and a half apart and question whether or not they wanted to spend the night with me.
I walked because he made it necessary. I walked because it was apparent I was the only one at the table who gave a fuck about me. I walked because staying, crying, talking, trying, at that point, would have been to lose respect for myself. Leave my dignity on a bar table in a rundown, low rent, Mexican restaurant in Radcliff, KY, and that shit just isn’t going to happen.
After I walked, I sent a simple message, via text, letting him know I don’t hate him, wasn’t mad at him, simply wasn’t going to sit there after he made it clear he didn’t want to be with me. I wished him great things for his future and I meant it.
Rejection by someone you have opened yourself up to is painful. It leaves you feeling a vulnerability unlike any other feeling in the world. It can also help you grow, learn, and know more about yourself.
I hate admitting I miss him. I hate looking at my phone and feeling a pang of sadness that I no longer get dozens of messages from him each day. He sent one message after The Fall, short, to the point, thanking me for being great and supportive. Needless to say, having someone who just rejected you tell you how great you are is cold comfort. A nice gesture, nonetheless.
I sit here tonight feeling melancholy, but knowing I will be okay. I walked away with my dignity intact. Maybe there is a little piece of my heart not so whole, but hearts heal, time passes and people move forward.
I have found, in life, I heal much faster if I have no regrets. When I read his last text message, I knew he was right. I had spent four months being great. If great is not good enough for him, I wish him nothing but the best finding better.
Dignity? Check.
Sanity? Check.
Healthy kids? Check.
Job? Check.
I got everything I need to move forward. Time to get Back to Shawn.
Back To Shawn 